30 Jan, 2008. More ashes.

It's really weird sometimes, going through this kind of bereavement. Some days are relatively normal, you know? Though there's extreme sadness, there's also the ability to smile, and to laugh. Then you can have a day that's so excrutiatingly painful that you're in tears for a good portion of every hour. And I mean every hour.

Since Rob died, I've had bad days, average days and even a few good days. Sometimes though, it seems as if the pain will get worse before it gets better, and that's a phenomenon that's hard for me to comprehend. Logically, you'd think that it would get better over time (having said that, it's only been five weeks, and that's a very short period of time - even though it feels like several eternities). Instead though, the pain seems more acute now than it was initially. I suppose that's because of being numb with shock when he actually died?

I'm reading "Grieving Mindfully" , loaned to me by a therapist at the hospital. I couldn't open the darn book for a few weeks, as it seemed to be saying "be mindful and you can feel better". Ah, if only it were that easy! It's a tad difficult to be mindful when you're that raw! However, I realize now that I'm actually angry and frustrated, and was aiming those feelings at the most convenient subject - the book. So, after opening it and reading it cover to cover twice (we're on a third run at the moment), it does contain an awful lot of common sense and good advice. It does help.

There have been (many) days when I just want to fast-forward a good six months, a year perhaps, just to get over this initial pain. But, as I keep discovering, that wouldn't help me in the long run - I'd simply be avoiding or running away from the feelings and they'd just hit me all the more when I stopped running. I've got another appointment with my grief counsellor too - and that also helps a great deal.

On a somewhat lighter note (because there's only so many tears I can shed at the hospital business centre without attracting a lot of attention....), I have absolutely no idea what to do with Rob's ashes. I did the stupid thing, of course....that being, I opened the box and looked at the two (previously mentioned) Ziploc baggies. Then, in a fit of stupidity that defies logic, I actually took out the baggies and held 'em in my hands. Man, it really does hit you f'cking hard. Needless to say I only did that the once. And needless to say, I really do NOT recommend such an action! Anyway, I'm really not sure what to do with the box, so I went online and had a peek around to get some ideas.

Oh. My. God.

I can make Rob into a necklace here

Or buy one of these (somewhat tacky) velvet thingies here

Or perhaps have 'em made into a fireworks display here

Or even make an underwater reef!

Then there's the balloon option - but Rob was afraid of flying, so we'll nix this one right now

Spaceflight is somewhat more unique, but the fear of flying thing also applies...I think....

Of course, I could just let him sit where he's sitting right now (in the middle of our chess board, which is oddly fitting for a number of reasons!).

I've got another few journal entries in my head, but I need to go get some coffee.