13 Feb, 2008. Let there be light...bulbs

DIL came over yesterday afternoon. It was really nice to see him, moreso since he came complete with a pack of lightbulbs to fix the "lack of light" situation.

Ideally I'd like to see more of them, but t'is what t'is. They've actually taken pretty great care of me since Rob died.

I updated Rob's Caring Bridge site yesterday too. For some reason I hadn't been in awhile - possibly because Caring Bridge tends to be aimed at illness and recovery versus illness and sudden death - and I had a serious bout of crying when I did hop online, because both his Mom and his Dad had left really heart-breaking messages in the guest book. It's still very, very difficult, folks. Yesterday was seven weeks since he died. I haven't actually had one day when I haven't cried, which I'm told is perfectly normal and won't change for awhile yet. I'm ok with that though, oddly enough. Crying does release a lot of pent-up emotion - sadness, longing, loneliness - and yes, I still "talk" to Rob every day. But holy shit, I miss him. I've never felt pain like this in my life.

(sidebar: If I ever hear Rob talking back, then it's agreed that I need some help....! )

One of the more interesting things I've found is that many people just don't know what to say to a bereaved young woman. Some folk - with the absolute sweetest, kindest intentions - seem to feel like they can't discuss their own lovelives, children, goings-on etc, in case it hurts my feelings. To anyone with this concern, I'd just like to say - NO! Please, tell me! I LOVE to hear about your world !!! It's very calming, and a source of joy to know that life, and love, and the foibles of daily living, are still going on. Hearing about your lives simply confirms that it is indeed possible for me to once again experience love and happiness.

Cos life does go on, doesn't it?

Had labs done again today, too, at disgusting o'clock this morning. Also made an appt with Carrie, my bereavement counseler, for Monday afternoon. Got to make Doc's appt for Friday, too - to get lab results back (cholesterol, liver function, thyroid - woot!) and to get a referral (if such is possible for a no-income patient!) to a pain clinic. I've had back problems in the past, and when Rob actually died I injured my back the same night (in addition to the existing issues).

So, pain has increased despite McKenzie therapy. Neurontin has helped in the past, but I'm now wondering if a muscle relaxer (Flexeril?) might be better. Or both? Either way, I need to get some sleep, too. Insomnia is NOT your friend, and even less so when you're grieving. That and I gotta pick up my thyroid meds. All I can say is - thank Whoever Is Doing Stuff And Needs To Be Thanked (which could be... God, Buddha, Allah, the FDA, Pfizer, whoever) for being able to supply low- and no-income patients with free medication.

Cos that'll actually help me get back to work!

I really ramble once I get going...