"Grief is loss IN love" (as opposed to loss OF love).
and this....
"Love is the fuel of grief".
Truer words were never spoken.
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I still have questions.
Well, one, really. First, I need to get this out and on paper or something, so here we go. Please bear in mind that my memory of that night is hazy at best. Some details and exact times might not be the most accurate in the world, but this is how I remember it:
Rob was discharged from the hospital on Saturday, Dec 21. He left with some pain meds (Lortab) and some Xanax, and was in a lot of pain. Prior to this, he'd been given Toradol ( a super NSAID painkiller, basically) soon after he'd had the surgery....and you're not meant to give Toradol to kidney patients (it caused fluid and sodium retention and messes with the electrolytes). His potassium went through the roof - 8.1 - and they had to flush him to get it back down. Rob was NOT impressed! (He bitched about this for quite a while...). The doctor actually said "Oops" when he realised what had caused the potassium increase.....and as we all know, "Oops" is a four letter word you never, ever want to hear from a doctor!!!!
We got him home, and settled, but on Sunday he'd started to gain fluid in his legs again. His thighs, calves and ankles were very swollen, and he was coughing a bit, too, but not as much as previously. This has happened before, and we just increased his Lasix. On Monday morning he'd lost several pounds worth of fluid, and was feeling a little better, though still in considerable pain.
On Monday evening he took some pain meds - I'm not sure how many - and some Xanax (probably one or two more than was prescribed). I'd gone to bed around 11:45 pm or so, and he followed about an hour later.
He snuggled into me, and I had my arm around him.
A little later, I woke up, feeling dampness on my arm. I figured, because he's diabetic, he'd gone really low again - which always led to severe clamminess - and moved to help shift him into a sitting position.
That's when vomit-like liquid poured out of his nose and mouth. I also noticed - and blocked it out - that he was cold, too.
He wasn't responding to me. I called 911, and was asked "Can you perform CPR?".
Tess: "I'd love to...but I can't get his mouth open....his teeth are clenched!". I held Rob's head in my arms, crying.
The paramedic who first came in knew us both by name. He went into the bedroom - the police had also come, and advised me to stay in the living room - and came out again, saying "Tess, he's been down awhile...do you still want us to try and resuscitate him?".
Rob and I both had listed "no heroic measures" on our living wills....but dammit, I told that Paramedic to get back there and try and bring him back. I mean what was I going to say?!?!
He came out a few minutes later, saying "Tess, we're so sorry....he's been down too long. And even if we had brought him back, he wouldn't have been Rob......."
I've been assured - by doctors and the paramedics - that Rob didn't feel anything. He was sleeping, he was in the arms of someone who adored him, and he died without any struggle.
But dammit, I can't help but wonder if that Toradol didn't just spur the heart failure symptoms into a fatal event.
That's probably not fair of me - Rob had so many medical problems, the likelihood is that either he took too many pain meds (a possibility), or his body simply gave out.
The vomiting could have been caused by pain meds, heart failure, acute kidney failure, you name it and it could have caused the vomiting.
So why the hell do I feel guilty?!??!?!?!?
Even though I've been assured over and over that there was nothing I could have done, it still burns.
Could I have done something?
Rob was cremated. Part of me actually wanted them to do an autopsy just to see (he'd been under hospital care only 72 hours prior, so I figured an autopsy might have been done, but nope) what was the actual cause of death.
Sigh.
My Wombat.
I'm ok though. More or less.
Edit:
The more I read about Toradol, the more I'm thinking that it really did push Rob's body over the edge. Maybe I need to stop reading these articles and medical journal entries which warn against using Toradol in heart and/or ki
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