Not having a good day, so I figured journalling might help.
I wonder if it's "normal" (whatever that means) for a person to feel especially sad during bad weather?
I keep moving Rob's photo back and forth between the box of ashes (on the chessboard, which is behind where I usually sit) and that little spot in front of the TV. Sometimes looking at it is just too, too painful...and other times it comforts me.
Should I be concerned that I find myself wanting to cry? Am I becoming too dependant upon crying being a form of release?
It's so weird.
I think of Mariane Pearl, and another young woman I know (who might not want her privacy compromised, so I'm not going to name her) who lost their loved ones in sudden and truly horrifying circumstances.....and I do count myself lucky (probably not the best word in the world to use) that at least I knew Rob had an essentially terminal illness. On some level I even knew that I'd lose him. I just didn't realise how soon it would be; his death was still sudden (unexpected) even though he was very sick.
People have said to me, "Aw at least you knew he was sick....and he's not suffering anymore". Both very true statements...but it sometimes leaves me feeling guilty for the sheer level of despair I'm experiencing, in a sort of "Oh come on, you knew it would happen, it should be easier for you to get past this..many widows have it much worse than you". Maybe that doesn't make sense. I know what I mean though.
Oh for heaven's sake, I just figured out why it feels worse today. It's friggin "Hallmark Holiday Horribilis" Day.
Well, now at least I have something to blame!
(Another thing. Never, ever say to the newly bereaved, "At least you don't have to buy any Valentine's Day stuff...". Yes, it might seem like a good idea to use humour, but for the love of all things wholesome and chocolatey, if you're ever tempted to say this, SHUT. YOUR. MOUTH. Mkay? Mkay)
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