I'm not even sure where to start.

Bob's funeral was beautiful; Karen had arranged a really nice casket, with a memory box containing pictures of Rob and his siblings, Bob with his doggies, Bob's granddaughter Abby...one of his watches...it was just a really touching and poignant part of Bob's final journey. Karen and I held onto each other pretty much the entire time; there were many tears and it brought back to me a lot of emotion and pain from Rob's funeral. In some ways it was a bit like burying him, too.

The interment, however, was another story entirely. Karen and I had got to the cemetery very early; it was both Karen's and Bob's wishes that Cindy simply did not attend the funeral so we didn't expect to see her there, as it seemed a bit of a no-brainer that she'd respect Karen & Bob's wishes. Frankly, I thought it was pretty great of Karen to "ok" Cindy's attendance to the main service (mentioned above) on Tuesday...Bob's wishes were known by everyone and there was no ambiguity - he just didn't want Cindy there to begin with, let alone during the smaller, more intimate interment ceremony on Thursday, but we were glad that Cindy got to say goodbye to Bob at the public service on Tuesday. Because Cindy and I had been close via email, I was very glad that she was able to be there for her kids and there was not - so I thought - any animosity between us.

And then....Rob's sister just ripped into me...she was so cruel, so incredibly rude, and so thoughtless. I can't even repeat here what she said; this journal is one of deep love and I'd feel quite weird sullying Rob's memory in that way. I understand she's angry, and probably feels an awful lot of guilt for never visiting Rob while he was sick, but still. Her words cut like a knife, and I was never given a chance to address anything that she said.

Anyway...it got a little worse; as it became clear that Cindy's presence wasn't really wanted at this smaller, intimate service, Rob's siblings decided to play "tit for tat" and stated that they had a problem with me attending the service itself. If Cindy couldn't attend, then I couldn't either. Poor Karen was devastated; not only was Cindy present (though by this point the priest and funeral director had pursuaded her to wait in the car outside), but Bob's two kids had effectively barred me from attending the service; Karen actually said "But Rob's ashes are in there too!..."...but that didn't matter. I wasn't married to Rob (as if that made a difference). So, rather than exacerbate an already horrific situation, I just told Karen that it was ok, that she should go inside and say goodbye to our boys, and that Rob was with me at home anyway. I was incredibly upset that I couldn't support Karen....this was about HER, and her loss, not a petty argument started by Bob's children, and I only wanted to be there for her, as she had been for me at Rob's funeral.

My heart broke. I sat in the car and just wailed, and sobbed and I felt completely crushed...they wouldn't let me bury my baby. It didn't seem to matter to them that it was Bob's wishes, as well as Rob's, that not only should Rob's ashes be with his father, but that I could say goodbye to them both. This was, after all, my fiance who was being "buried" with his Dad, inside the casket.

They just didn't care. They didn't seem to care that they had insulted both their father and their brother.

Because quite frankly, Rob would have been utterly horrified and disgusted at this; to treat the woman he loved in such a callous manner? He would have felt so betrayed. This was Bob's final resting place, and both of them deserved to have a service of love and dignity.

And that's the really sad part.

(The sermon can be found here - it's a beautiful piece, and Jamie did a wonderful job)