Now you'll get to meet Mum, my Wombat

I want to scream.

I want to scream, at somebody, at anybody....

"WHY?!"

I realise that there are no answers to this question, but it doesn't stop me from wanting those illusive answers.

My Mam died today. At around 9pm local time (3pm my time), she passed away with three of her four children with her. Barb, Cheryl and Gary were there - and I'm so relieved that they were.

I'm still numb.

I thought....don't we always?....we had longer. I was trying so desperately to get my passport sorted out so I could at least visit her in the next month or so...and today, she had to leave us.

My god. I am literally at a loss.

Avril Hardiman Wheatley - 5 Sept 1945 - 29 April 2008.

I love you, Mam.

Make that four :(

They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

If that's the case, I'll be approaching SuperHuman strength right around August.

My mum has been given "12 weeks at best" to live.

Look. I knew she had ovarian cancer (only diagnosed in January), and I knew she was stage III. But my god...SO soon?! The last I'd heard, she was undergoing chemo to see if the tumours would shrink enough to try surgery. And then...this.

I'm in a whirlwind, trying to organize emergency travel documents (my passport expired years ago) so I can get back to the UK in time.

If I was religious, I surely would be asking "why?!?!?!?"

Rob.
Stepdad.
Bob (Rob's dad)
Mum.

I'm still in shock I think.

"Cute" doesn't even come close!

I love these photos. You'll note that the cup is very strategically placed - there is a second picture in the series, but I thought I'd better not post that one publicly, given that the cup moved somewhat!


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The first time we watched that diet Pepsi commercial, we were hysterical.

Research shows that 56% of diet cola drinkers think that diet Pepsi...has more...cola taste......than diet Coke.. (research)...

It was the puppy!

And somehow, as things often did, the whole commercial became synonymous with "us".

Except we changed it.....and gradually, we decided that it was actually 56% of PUPPIES who thought that diet Pepsi had more cola taste etc.

(The other 46% just weren't asked. They were there for the free pie. You know. "Casting call! All Puppies! Say you like our drink and we'll give you free pie!").

Which of course lead to our theory that 56% of puppies think...(insert opinion here)....

Example:

Tess: 56% of puppies would be scared of Vincent D'Onofrio!
Rob: And the others weren't asked....
Tess: No, they just wanted their pie!

It's another of those memories that just makes me smile.

Tears & Ashes

Something occurred to me last night.

I was cleaning up some paperwork (you know...medical bills, lab reports, yada yada) and I got a bit weepy. The tears accidentally fell onto one of those bits of paper, and it hit me.

When I was "talking" to your Dad, laying there all peaceful in his casket, I was crying so, so hard. I'm not sure any coherent words actually came out, but that's beside the point. I did notice some of my tears drop onto his shirt. I couldn't very well wipe 'em off, now could I?!

(Reaching into a casket and tugging on the deceased's clothing is not exactly good funerary etiquette)

And last night it struck me - my tears, and your ashes, were buried in that casket alongside your Dad. There's a tiny part of you and I which will always be together, forever.

And that gave me some comfort, kiddo.

April 21, 08

Another odd day.

I spent the weekend more or less entirely in bed; I think after last week and the week prior my system just needed to recover. I was concerned for a bit until this occurred to me.

I've had another of your pics scanned, and I've got quite a few baby pics that I'd like to add to the page too...uh, once I figure out how to do it.

Ok, after a brief "read" and a bit of an edit...


Got a lot of stuff to do tomorrow, with credit unions, wire transfers and the like. Needless to say I'll be back later.

Kisses.

I really should be in bed, tucked up with Pigbit!

I can't wait to scan in your baby photographs. You were such a beautiful baby! What with your blonde (!) spiky hair, your huge brown eyes - "gorgeous" is an understatement, Wombat.

This week has been crazy. Greg and I have come to a very fair settlement, and I'll actually be solvent as of tomorrow. It's something which both thrills and terrifies me - you know why, too. We'd made an agreement before, and it fell through - but this time I think it's different. As well as relief, there'll be a lot of pain, I know. This is something I wanted to share with you; it was meant to help us in our life, not just me.

Since you died, sweetheart, my life has changed so dramatically.

Ok, I can't seem to stop the tears tonight....but they're not just tears of sadness. I'm experiencing joy, because I have these beautiful memories of you, and of us....and I now have, through those photos, more of the pieces from your childhood. It's a wonderful gift, you know?

Goodnight, love. Yes, I've got PigBit with me...and I'm being very careful to make sure he doesn't cry!

(I've also got your underwear..your "knickers", in my purse. They comfort me. They're...well, they just remind me of you....)

More later.

It hurts.

I'm just so sad at the moment.

I don't have the words, really, to explain how it feels.

I just don't. The events of the last week haven't helped, I suppose.

I'm just so sad.

Hopefully this will be the last time I ever have to post something like this.

This is Angie's first communication:

Tess, you should really leave MY mother alone and stop saying that was MY brothers funeral you missed, it was MY fathers funeral and MY brother was mentioned, if it was MY brothers funeral, MY mother would have been there, also you already took the attention away from MY family including Karen at MY fathers funeral, you also upset MY grandparents, uncles and aunts.
You feel really entightled because you lived with MY brother, I have a boyfriend, so sure I understand that but I would never take the attention away from his family because they are his family.
You just want to concentrate so much on yourself right now and pull whatever means tricks you can, so I can't even mourn MY father and MY brother, well hopefully you never feel the pain of losing actual family members because my heart is broken, instead of healing though and spending time with the family I have left, We have to deal with your silliness and throwing fits.
I know you spent more time with MY brother and father in the last couple of years but I spent MY whole life with them and it would take more than email to tell you every second I had with them.
You should also let Karen have some peace right now, because I can't even begin to imagine the pain she is in, losing her husband.
She doesn't need this drama, and she should have been comforted at MY father's funeral, not comforting you.
I will ask you again to leave us alone so we can mourn and remember the family we lost. Stop trying to get so much attention. We need to heal and enjoy the time we have together and you keep sending my mother emails instead of helping her with her pain from losing her oldest son, another pain that I am sure you or I can't even imagine.
You should be a friend to Karen and MY mother instead of trying to hurt MY mother.
I have had enough of your games, and you need to stop. This is my families time right now. Not yours.
If you aren't sending MY mother an email full of happiness then do not push send.

Good Day
Angela Bruun


And this is my response:

"Your brother was a beautiful, wonderful man. I was blessed to know him, and to love him, and to have to opportunity to nurse him through the last stages of his life. He was my partner, and my soulmate. Though it pains me to say it, he would have been incredibly saddened and disappointed with what happened last week. You see, part of Rob's wishes - and those of his father - were for me to have the opportunity to say goodbye to him as he was laid to rest with his father.

My grief will be a part of me forever, Angela. Just as yours will be a part of you. I understand that you're brokenhearted - you have suffered two incredibly difficult losses in a very short period of time, and the pain must be so hard to deal with. In the same period, I lost my soulmate, my stepfather and my fiance's father too. I know that you must realise that you're not the only one suffering during this tragic time.

I'm with Karen now, giving her as much support and love as I can; the same as I was trying to do last week. Karen was also incredibly upset with what happened; I was there supporting her too, and she really wanted me with her - but I was prevented from helping her.

All I have ever done is try to be there and offer comfort; same as I tried to do with your Mom when I saw her. And the same as I did with your father when Rob died. And though it isn't what you want to hear, I've been here since the beginning of Rob's illness, and through that time developed a bond with Bob and Karen that, though tragic, will be part of us forever. There is no ownership of loved ones, just as there is no ownership of grief. Karen and I have shared in the love, caregiving and partnership of being with Bob and Rob, and though neither of us wanted to mourn these two amazing men, we now tragically share that bond too.

I was part of Bob's life too, and I took care of, adored and was lucky enough to be loved by his son. Neither of them would have wanted this bitterness, Angela. We are ALL mourning, and we all have that right. I loved those two men, and I will continue to love and mourn them, just as you and your family will continue to mourn.

I would ask that for Rob's sake if nothing else, to please let this anger go.

Tess."

A bit of a cross-post; from LJ 4/13/08

Hi sweetheart; what follows is a message from Karen. She posted it at LJ, and I said I'd post it here, too.

"Dear Rob:

It is three days after I buried your father so now I can tell you of my grief at your passing. Since December each day I held my grief inside to be the strong one for your Dad, yet inside I wept for you and your Dad. His health declined so rapidly after you passed that we spent most of our time in the hospital or the doctors. Your Dad was even seeing a head doctor as he called her and he insisted that I go into the sessions with him. I never spoke, never voiced what I felt, or gave an opinion on anything but I died inside each time we went as he spoke about the pain he had experienced with your mother and his feeling that he had failed you. He always knew about her unfaithfulness, her stealing and her lies, but he loved you and Adam and Angie so much and he wanted so much for you and he was afraid what their not being together would mean to you kids and so he stayed year after year. His love for his children outweighed any pain that she or anyone else could ever have inflicted on him. I know your Dad wasn't perfect either, and I can hear you call me a silly Christian, but like I always said to you if God had made us perfect we would all still be in Eden. Eve may have offered the apple but Adam was dumb enough to take it. (ha, ha).
Rob, I remember so many of our "deep" discussions and our outbursts of laughter and how I loved to tease Tess about being British and how amused you were at me. I also remember the times I held you as you wept and though you didn't know silently I prayed for you. Now, I must beg you to forgive me because I could only fulfill part of my promise to you. As you and your Dad wished, you (ok, I know it is ashes but to me it is you) are buried with your Dad, and yes, I will be putting flowers on the grave and visiting you both as I promised, but Tess was not allowed to attend because your brother and sister did not want her there and being the kind, understanding person that she is Tess agreed not to go in and asked me not to create drama, as you would say. I will live forever with the knowledge that I did not fulfill my promise to you, my son by love, or your Dad's gentle request that Tess attend to say goodbye. As you and your Dad probably saw (ok, ok, I know that old Christian thing again) the whole fuss came up when I tried to honor your Dad's wishes of not having your mother there as he left this earth. I know that you two had talked about this and that you understood how your Dad felt but I guess I didn't make it clear enough in the beginning. My heart just would not allow me not to allow your Mother at the funeral at the Church for Adam and Angies sake. I know that you will understand that because you loved your brother and your sister. I guess I just didn't make it clear and to be honest I just didn't think that anyone would go against your Dad's wishes at this the end. I honestly did not know Rob that your siblings held so much anger at Tess. Angie actually acused Tess of being high at your memorial service and of stealing cards. Rob, Tess collasped after you died and I took her to the ER where they gave me medication to allow her to get through the service. Please believe me, I did not know that they would think she was high. I thought they would know how very much she loved you and how hard it was to lose you, especially so soon after your surgery when we told you were OK. And, if anyone is to blame for "stealing" cards it was me. I put the cards in envelope and brought them home and I was in such shock that I could barely function and dealing with your Dad. I put them away for your Dad and Tess to look at when they felt they could. Tess never saw any of the cards except the lawyers. I am so sorry that she is being blamed for what I did.

Rob, I am so sorry about the "drama at the cemetery", I know how much you hated and did want that you happen. I had become very ill with my MS and somewhere during my ramblings I asked Tess to send your Mother an email just to make sure there was no misunderstandings at the cemetery because I didn't think I could manage because stress makes my MS so much worse and I stop breathing. Unfortunately, Tess had a language problem (ha,ha, just teasing the old British pun, you know) and did not according to them write the email in such a way that everyone did not take offense to. So, my dear Rob, please forgive me for the drama that you hated so much and for letting you down. I really did try. Please know that as I stood beside your fathers coffin at the church and Tess stood by the coffin, suddenly it was December all over again and this time I was also losing your Dad and no matter how hard I tried I wasn't going to be able to "fix" this. Suddenly it became all too real. I was never going to see you or your Dad again and all the grief and sadness I held in so tightly came rushing out. Alls, I could do is cling to Tess and weep for we had both lost a part of our hearts that will never heal.

All my love,

The ol stepmom"

*****************************************

I'm not even sure where to start.

Bob's funeral was beautiful; Karen had arranged a really nice casket, with a memory box containing pictures of Rob and his siblings, Bob with his doggies, Bob's granddaughter Abby...one of his watches...it was just a really touching and poignant part of Bob's final journey. Karen and I held onto each other pretty much the entire time; there were many tears and it brought back to me a lot of emotion and pain from Rob's funeral. In some ways it was a bit like burying him, too.

The interment, however, was another story entirely. Karen and I had got to the cemetery very early; it was both Karen's and Bob's wishes that Cindy simply did not attend the funeral so we didn't expect to see her there, as it seemed a bit of a no-brainer that she'd respect Karen & Bob's wishes. Frankly, I thought it was pretty great of Karen to "ok" Cindy's attendance to the main service (mentioned above) on Tuesday...Bob's wishes were known by everyone and there was no ambiguity - he just didn't want Cindy there to begin with, let alone during the smaller, more intimate interment ceremony on Thursday, but we were glad that Cindy got to say goodbye to Bob at the public service on Tuesday. Because Cindy and I had been close via email, I was very glad that she was able to be there for her kids and there was not - so I thought - any animosity between us.

And then....Rob's sister just ripped into me...she was so cruel, so incredibly rude, and so thoughtless. I can't even repeat here what she said; this journal is one of deep love and I'd feel quite weird sullying Rob's memory in that way. I understand she's angry, and probably feels an awful lot of guilt for never visiting Rob while he was sick, but still. Her words cut like a knife, and I was never given a chance to address anything that she said.

Anyway...it got a little worse; as it became clear that Cindy's presence wasn't really wanted at this smaller, intimate service, Rob's siblings decided to play "tit for tat" and stated that they had a problem with me attending the service itself. If Cindy couldn't attend, then I couldn't either. Poor Karen was devastated; not only was Cindy present (though by this point the priest and funeral director had pursuaded her to wait in the car outside), but Bob's two kids had effectively barred me from attending the service; Karen actually said "But Rob's ashes are in there too!..."...but that didn't matter. I wasn't married to Rob (as if that made a difference). So, rather than exacerbate an already horrific situation, I just told Karen that it was ok, that she should go inside and say goodbye to our boys, and that Rob was with me at home anyway. I was incredibly upset that I couldn't support Karen....this was about HER, and her loss, not a petty argument started by Bob's children, and I only wanted to be there for her, as she had been for me at Rob's funeral.

My heart broke. I sat in the car and just wailed, and sobbed and I felt completely crushed...they wouldn't let me bury my baby. It didn't seem to matter to them that it was Bob's wishes, as well as Rob's, that not only should Rob's ashes be with his father, but that I could say goodbye to them both. This was, after all, my fiance who was being "buried" with his Dad, inside the casket.

They just didn't care. They didn't seem to care that they had insulted both their father and their brother.

Because quite frankly, Rob would have been utterly horrified and disgusted at this; to treat the woman he loved in such a callous manner? He would have felt so betrayed. This was Bob's final resting place, and both of them deserved to have a service of love and dignity.

And that's the really sad part.

(The sermon can be found here - it's a beautiful piece, and Jamie did a wonderful job)

Bunnies and Bleachers - April 2, 2008

One of the most difficult things about this journey is acknowledging the things we'll no longer do together, the simple things...just like walking in the sunshine, arm in arm, meandering along, giggling together.

It's such a beautiful day outside, and it made me smile just to be outside, even though my heart stings knowing that I'll never again link my arm through yours as we cross the road. I'll always remember you grinning at my childish delight at seeing the first floppsy (that's a bunny to normal folk) of the year!

Remember when we lived in College Street? There they were. Three bunnies, sitting in a circle, studiously watching as the fourth, older rabbit hopped up and down on the spot! It was as if he was teaching them how to hop...and it was such a magical moment. It just warms my heart.

We used to walk from the apartment over to the football field and make out...just like a couple of teenagers, sitting wrapped around each other on the bleachers. I can still smell your hair, and feel the sun on my skin, sweetheart.

Then, we'd walk home and that little boxer down the street would just go nuts as we walked by...remember?

"HiHiHiLoveMeLoveMeWoofWoofLemmeLickYerHandPleaseBeMyFwendHiWoofWoofHiHiHi!"

You'd joke that the bunnies were teasing him, running back and forth past his fence knowing he couldn't jump over and get them. I think you were right, you know...

It's these things I'll never forget.

Just missing you and stuff.

It actually does help when I talk to you in the apartment. Sometimes though, I think I'm being too hard on myself in expecting too much, too soon. It's been a little over three months since you died, and I suppose I thought - hoped? - that some semblance of normalcy would have returned by now.

I'm not sure whether I'm still in the "acute" grief state, or if I'm actually clinically depressed at this point.

I need to refill the thyroid rx, which I realise isn't helping matters - being off them for just a couple of days really messes with the mood. Just hand't realised how much until now.

There are so many "us" things which I remember.

Deciding that when I was cooking meat, I wasn't actually cooking meat, but instead had acquired....Tofu, Lofu, Bofu and Pofu. (Lofu being "lamb flavoured tofu", so as not to upset the plush lambs we have, and Bofu being "beef flavoured tofu", so as not to upset the plush cows! Pofu, of course, was pork-flavoured (or bacon) tofu, so as not to upset Pigbit or any other porcine-type animals currently living with us!

The times we'd just lie in bed, just holding each other. Stroking each other's back, no words needing to be said other than those quietly murmured "I love you"s.

The kisses, the hugs. Giggling with you. Rolling our eyes in unison and play-screaming "Oh no, it's Kevin Trudeau!" when those bloody commercials came on Fox TV.

You sitting on the floor between my legs, resting your head on my thigh while I stroked your hair as we watched TV (or yet another viewing of "Clerks II" - I still can't get over how much we both loved that movie!).

Walking the "Mushaboom Highway". This being the "skyway" covered walkthrough running between the Civic Center and the rest of downtown Fargo. We called it that because "Mushaboom" (the title of a Feist song) seemed like the perfect verb to describe "meandering along at a somewhat slow, dawdling pace"...and it was just so "us".

The same reasoning went behind our desire to get one of those "Segway" thingies so we could "Mushaboom to Cashwise" to do the grocery shopping.

I miss walking up to the Salvation Army with you to get coffee.

I miss you stumbling out of the bedroom into the living room, not really awake, just to wave and say "hi", before stumbling back to bed.

I miss you.