A bit of a cross-post; from LJ 4/13/08

Hi sweetheart; what follows is a message from Karen. She posted it at LJ, and I said I'd post it here, too.

"Dear Rob:

It is three days after I buried your father so now I can tell you of my grief at your passing. Since December each day I held my grief inside to be the strong one for your Dad, yet inside I wept for you and your Dad. His health declined so rapidly after you passed that we spent most of our time in the hospital or the doctors. Your Dad was even seeing a head doctor as he called her and he insisted that I go into the sessions with him. I never spoke, never voiced what I felt, or gave an opinion on anything but I died inside each time we went as he spoke about the pain he had experienced with your mother and his feeling that he had failed you. He always knew about her unfaithfulness, her stealing and her lies, but he loved you and Adam and Angie so much and he wanted so much for you and he was afraid what their not being together would mean to you kids and so he stayed year after year. His love for his children outweighed any pain that she or anyone else could ever have inflicted on him. I know your Dad wasn't perfect either, and I can hear you call me a silly Christian, but like I always said to you if God had made us perfect we would all still be in Eden. Eve may have offered the apple but Adam was dumb enough to take it. (ha, ha).
Rob, I remember so many of our "deep" discussions and our outbursts of laughter and how I loved to tease Tess about being British and how amused you were at me. I also remember the times I held you as you wept and though you didn't know silently I prayed for you. Now, I must beg you to forgive me because I could only fulfill part of my promise to you. As you and your Dad wished, you (ok, I know it is ashes but to me it is you) are buried with your Dad, and yes, I will be putting flowers on the grave and visiting you both as I promised, but Tess was not allowed to attend because your brother and sister did not want her there and being the kind, understanding person that she is Tess agreed not to go in and asked me not to create drama, as you would say. I will live forever with the knowledge that I did not fulfill my promise to you, my son by love, or your Dad's gentle request that Tess attend to say goodbye. As you and your Dad probably saw (ok, ok, I know that old Christian thing again) the whole fuss came up when I tried to honor your Dad's wishes of not having your mother there as he left this earth. I know that you two had talked about this and that you understood how your Dad felt but I guess I didn't make it clear enough in the beginning. My heart just would not allow me not to allow your Mother at the funeral at the Church for Adam and Angies sake. I know that you will understand that because you loved your brother and your sister. I guess I just didn't make it clear and to be honest I just didn't think that anyone would go against your Dad's wishes at this the end. I honestly did not know Rob that your siblings held so much anger at Tess. Angie actually acused Tess of being high at your memorial service and of stealing cards. Rob, Tess collasped after you died and I took her to the ER where they gave me medication to allow her to get through the service. Please believe me, I did not know that they would think she was high. I thought they would know how very much she loved you and how hard it was to lose you, especially so soon after your surgery when we told you were OK. And, if anyone is to blame for "stealing" cards it was me. I put the cards in envelope and brought them home and I was in such shock that I could barely function and dealing with your Dad. I put them away for your Dad and Tess to look at when they felt they could. Tess never saw any of the cards except the lawyers. I am so sorry that she is being blamed for what I did.

Rob, I am so sorry about the "drama at the cemetery", I know how much you hated and did want that you happen. I had become very ill with my MS and somewhere during my ramblings I asked Tess to send your Mother an email just to make sure there was no misunderstandings at the cemetery because I didn't think I could manage because stress makes my MS so much worse and I stop breathing. Unfortunately, Tess had a language problem (ha,ha, just teasing the old British pun, you know) and did not according to them write the email in such a way that everyone did not take offense to. So, my dear Rob, please forgive me for the drama that you hated so much and for letting you down. I really did try. Please know that as I stood beside your fathers coffin at the church and Tess stood by the coffin, suddenly it was December all over again and this time I was also losing your Dad and no matter how hard I tried I wasn't going to be able to "fix" this. Suddenly it became all too real. I was never going to see you or your Dad again and all the grief and sadness I held in so tightly came rushing out. Alls, I could do is cling to Tess and weep for we had both lost a part of our hearts that will never heal.

All my love,

The ol stepmom"

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