It's just pants. It really is utter pants

Fuck me.

I'm not a stupid gal, as a rule.

But fuck, I wish I knew why I can, in the space of 10 minutes (let alone 10 hours, or 10 days)...

Smile

Laugh hysterically at something genuinely funny

Sob so hard my teeth feel like they're going to fall out

Get so pissed that I want to scream, shout and pull out my hair

This sucks!

(Congrats Tess, for stating the obvious again).

I want to hide under the covers and never get out of bed.
I want to scream at your brother and sister and ask them why they thought it was "ok" to be so cruel.
I want to ask them, "Where were YOU?!"
I want to not hurt.

This hurts more now than it did initially....though, to be honest, I suspect this has more to do with losing Mam so soon after you, your Dad and my stepdad. That's why I feel like I've taken a million steps backwards.

I knew - know - that CHF carries a ridiculously poor prognosis; my background told me that before I even had the chance to do the usual "Most Likely To Google" thing and look it up online.

I just didn't think it would be so soon.

I wasn't ready!

I WASN'T FUCKING READY!

IT'S NOT FUCKING FAIR!

Fuck.