In the midst of dealing with Rob's death, and the death of my Mum, my stepfather and Rob's dad too...I seem to be caught in the middle of a family spat. A few members of Rob's family are fighting over what should, or should not, be theirs by rights.

It seems to be...bizarre, to have this reduced to a fight over possessions.

Look. I know that Rob's brother is grieving. He's suffered two deep losses in a very short period. And I know that Rob's stepmother is grieving the loss of Rob's father. By the same token - I just can't be in the middle of this fight over what Bob did, or didn't leave, to either person.

I just can't.

My Mum's funeral was today. Here obit is here

I couldn't make it, because of passport issues. Or rather, lack thereof. My passport expired in 06, and the earliest I can replace it is May 21.

I keep thinking, "It's not fair". But what IS fair?

May 2, 2008

I do feel as if I'm in the midst of a hurricane.

I need to refill my thyroid prescription, which I think is making my moods a little less than stable to begin with. But even taking that into consideration, I'm just bewildered.

Never in a million years do you think you're going to deal with so much in such a short period of time.

I think I was about coming to terms with, accepting, the fact that you're really not coming home any more. When I walk into the apartment, you're really never going to be there waiting for me, and you'll never snuggle up with me again.

Ok, no, perhaps I'm not there yet.

Carrie came over yesterday; she's so concerned about me. She literally told me "Tess...please....just please try and eat correctly, and sleep. Please don't try and do anything else. Don't work, don't go to any interviews this week, just please attend to yourself. This is almost too much, and I really need you to be very careful that you don't lose yourself".

That's why I don't think Mam's death has really hit me yet. Of course I've cried...but I think I'm still in shock. I'm devastated that I can't attend the funeral; my family also shielded me too, by all accounts. They knew Mam was sicker than I understood, and thought because I'd just lost you, hon, that it would be better for me not to have to worry about things there, too.

To be honest, I really can't put into words how I feel.

Lost. Alone. Devastated. Confused. Upset.

Sigh.

Now you'll get to meet Mum, my Wombat

I want to scream.

I want to scream, at somebody, at anybody....

"WHY?!"

I realise that there are no answers to this question, but it doesn't stop me from wanting those illusive answers.

My Mam died today. At around 9pm local time (3pm my time), she passed away with three of her four children with her. Barb, Cheryl and Gary were there - and I'm so relieved that they were.

I'm still numb.

I thought....don't we always?....we had longer. I was trying so desperately to get my passport sorted out so I could at least visit her in the next month or so...and today, she had to leave us.

My god. I am literally at a loss.

Avril Hardiman Wheatley - 5 Sept 1945 - 29 April 2008.

I love you, Mam.

Make that four :(

They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

If that's the case, I'll be approaching SuperHuman strength right around August.

My mum has been given "12 weeks at best" to live.

Look. I knew she had ovarian cancer (only diagnosed in January), and I knew she was stage III. But my god...SO soon?! The last I'd heard, she was undergoing chemo to see if the tumours would shrink enough to try surgery. And then...this.

I'm in a whirlwind, trying to organize emergency travel documents (my passport expired years ago) so I can get back to the UK in time.

If I was religious, I surely would be asking "why?!?!?!?"

Rob.
Stepdad.
Bob (Rob's dad)
Mum.

I'm still in shock I think.

"Cute" doesn't even come close!

I love these photos. You'll note that the cup is very strategically placed - there is a second picture in the series, but I thought I'd better not post that one publicly, given that the cup moved somewhat!


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The first time we watched that diet Pepsi commercial, we were hysterical.

Research shows that 56% of diet cola drinkers think that diet Pepsi...has more...cola taste......than diet Coke.. (research)...

It was the puppy!

And somehow, as things often did, the whole commercial became synonymous with "us".

Except we changed it.....and gradually, we decided that it was actually 56% of PUPPIES who thought that diet Pepsi had more cola taste etc.

(The other 46% just weren't asked. They were there for the free pie. You know. "Casting call! All Puppies! Say you like our drink and we'll give you free pie!").

Which of course lead to our theory that 56% of puppies think...(insert opinion here)....

Example:

Tess: 56% of puppies would be scared of Vincent D'Onofrio!
Rob: And the others weren't asked....
Tess: No, they just wanted their pie!

It's another of those memories that just makes me smile.

Tears & Ashes

Something occurred to me last night.

I was cleaning up some paperwork (you know...medical bills, lab reports, yada yada) and I got a bit weepy. The tears accidentally fell onto one of those bits of paper, and it hit me.

When I was "talking" to your Dad, laying there all peaceful in his casket, I was crying so, so hard. I'm not sure any coherent words actually came out, but that's beside the point. I did notice some of my tears drop onto his shirt. I couldn't very well wipe 'em off, now could I?!

(Reaching into a casket and tugging on the deceased's clothing is not exactly good funerary etiquette)

And last night it struck me - my tears, and your ashes, were buried in that casket alongside your Dad. There's a tiny part of you and I which will always be together, forever.

And that gave me some comfort, kiddo.

April 21, 08

Another odd day.

I spent the weekend more or less entirely in bed; I think after last week and the week prior my system just needed to recover. I was concerned for a bit until this occurred to me.

I've had another of your pics scanned, and I've got quite a few baby pics that I'd like to add to the page too...uh, once I figure out how to do it.

Ok, after a brief "read" and a bit of an edit...


Got a lot of stuff to do tomorrow, with credit unions, wire transfers and the like. Needless to say I'll be back later.

Kisses.