Hi beautiful.
7 months today.
I miss you. I love you.
Sigh.
Friday, July 25, 2008
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Rinoa!
Oh honeypie, I wish you had the chance to meet our latest family addition...
I'm proud and happy to share with you, the debut of our Rinoa!
Rinoa was born to my nephew Dave, and his partner Gemma. I'm so proud of the three of 'em.
Just wish you could join me here, baby, to celebrate this new little life.
I love you Rob. God, I miss you .
I'm proud and happy to share with you, the debut of our Rinoa!
Rinoa was born to my nephew Dave, and his partner Gemma. I'm so proud of the three of 'em.
Just wish you could join me here, baby, to celebrate this new little life.
I love you Rob. God, I miss you .
Sunday, July 6, 2008
Perhaps this is where the TRUE journey begins?
I just miss you so much, my Wombat. So much. I don't have the words.
********
Something I've intended to do since Rob died has been to visit each of these 50 states and scatter some of Rob's ashes, and help my Wombat rest, finally, with the wind, the ground and perhaps the ocean. This will be quite the journey, and indeed, quite the trial..... emotionally, physically and financially.
Because we had planned a life together filled with love, travel, frivolity and general "let us be twits together"-edness, I really want to help my Wombat see every state, every coast-line, every corner.
It's going to be beautiful, poignant and precious beyond words to have Rob accompany me on this journey to those four corners, and every state inbetween. Alaska and Hawaii included!
I've had some amazing and wonderful people offer to help Rob and I accomplish this, via YWBB. They - you - know how much I love and appreciate your presence and your kindness.
I simply can't wait for Mr and Mrs Wombat to meet our amazing new friends, and share a beautiful time of letting you and I, Rob, know that you'll be with me wherever I go in this great country, and help us all maybe give some sort of comfort to everyone else who has to go through this painful, heart-wrenching, soul-changing journey of grief.
Rob, I love you.
And dammit, we're going to make this happen.
Viva ASHES - A JOURNEY OF LOVE; the official, true and now beginning, version.
Always.
I love you.
********
Something I've intended to do since Rob died has been to visit each of these 50 states and scatter some of Rob's ashes, and help my Wombat rest, finally, with the wind, the ground and perhaps the ocean. This will be quite the journey, and indeed, quite the trial..... emotionally, physically and financially.
Because we had planned a life together filled with love, travel, frivolity and general "let us be twits together"-edness, I really want to help my Wombat see every state, every coast-line, every corner.
It's going to be beautiful, poignant and precious beyond words to have Rob accompany me on this journey to those four corners, and every state inbetween. Alaska and Hawaii included!
I've had some amazing and wonderful people offer to help Rob and I accomplish this, via YWBB. They - you - know how much I love and appreciate your presence and your kindness.
I simply can't wait for Mr and Mrs Wombat to meet our amazing new friends, and share a beautiful time of letting you and I, Rob, know that you'll be with me wherever I go in this great country, and help us all maybe give some sort of comfort to everyone else who has to go through this painful, heart-wrenching, soul-changing journey of grief.
Rob, I love you.
And dammit, we're going to make this happen.
Viva ASHES - A JOURNEY OF LOVE; the official, true and now beginning, version.
Always.
I love you.
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
What they don't tell you
...is that grief is very, very physical. It hurts - not just psychologically, but physically, too.
...is that no matter how hard you try, you will never really be able to control where, and when, you burst into tears
...is that despite your wishing that you can fast forward 6 months in the hope of feeling better....that time will come, and it's still as painful and agonizing as the first day; and often, it's worse.
...is that when you're younger than say....60, people just don't know how to react when you tell them, "X died....."
...is that family members will often become demons fighting over what is, or isn't, left after your loved one dies.
...is that even when you're attending a group support session, you might (probably?) feel alienated simply because you're about 20 years younger than the average participant
...is that even your crying takes on a new property. It's a keening, wailing, child-like sobbing that won't quit, and dammit, the tears even make a sound when they fall, because they're so heavy.
And I don't even have my Mum around, despite me wanting just to crawl into her arms and sob.
Grief.
Sucks.
...is that no matter how hard you try, you will never really be able to control where, and when, you burst into tears
...is that despite your wishing that you can fast forward 6 months in the hope of feeling better....that time will come, and it's still as painful and agonizing as the first day; and often, it's worse.
...is that when you're younger than say....60, people just don't know how to react when you tell them, "X died....."
...is that family members will often become demons fighting over what is, or isn't, left after your loved one dies.
...is that even when you're attending a group support session, you might (probably?) feel alienated simply because you're about 20 years younger than the average participant
...is that even your crying takes on a new property. It's a keening, wailing, child-like sobbing that won't quit, and dammit, the tears even make a sound when they fall, because they're so heavy.
And I don't even have my Mum around, despite me wanting just to crawl into her arms and sob.
Grief.
Sucks.
Friday, June 27, 2008
Our little Luna
Just when you think you can move a few steps forward....something happens, and it sets you back a few thousand miles.
This might seem silly. Trivial, even. Perhaps it seems unimportant in the grand scheme of things. Still, it happened, and my heart is once more broken.
In 1999, my then-husband Greg and I adopted two little kittens. Luna Sea (lunacy - geddit?) and Silver Star.
Silver was her Daddy's girl. And Luna was, being smaller and the runt of the litter, a complete Mommy's girl. Not the brightest kitty on the planet, she would literally hold your hand while you were typing, and she'd offer the best cuddles and kitty kisses ever. She was my little goofball.
Today, Greg and Wendy had to put our Luna to sleep. This has hit me like a tonne of fucking bricks.
Gonna recap here, just a sec.
Rob - died 12/25/07
Brian (my stepfather) - died 3/29/08
Bob (Rob's Dad) - died 4/3/08
Mum - died 4/29/08
and now, our Luna.
I know, she was a kitty. And as such, we're not meant to grieve for our pets quite so much; yet that doesn't stop me from sobbing, and it doesn't stop me from wondering, "How much is one person expected to endure?!".
Rest in peace, my little Luna.
I'm just glad she had two Mommies - Wendy and I - and a Daddy who absolutely adored her.
Just wish I could stop crying.
Meh.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Here we are then.
This has probably been the most incredibly painful day of my life.
At least, in recent memory.
It's 6 months since you died, my beautiful Wombat. Six months since I last held you in my arms (funeral home notwithstanding). Six months since I last kissed your beautiful lips (ditto).
6 months.
At least, in recent memory.
It's 6 months since you died, my beautiful Wombat. Six months since I last held you in my arms (funeral home notwithstanding). Six months since I last kissed your beautiful lips (ditto).
6 months.
Saturday, June 21, 2008
Really? Honestly? Truly? It's the sadness.
It's the sadness that gets to you.
I go through the day. I see people, I converse, I interact, I wince, I smile, I laugh, and still.... I cry. There's just this unshakable sadness that remains with you, even during the laughter.
It's laughter tinged with sadness, with bitterness, with anger. Please, someone, explain to me why Charles Manson is still alive, and Rob isn't alive anymore. Yes, yes, I realise there's no real answer to that question. It doesn't stop the question from being asked though.
I feel like Sharon Stone in "Alpha Dog".
(I'm very guilty of paraphrasing here)
"This is God's plan? Then God better get his ass down here and explain it to me....".
You know what? I felt for that character.
I utterly, painfully, horrifically, tragically understood what she meant. I go through every single emotion, every single day.
But still, it's just the sadness that really gets to you. It sits on your chest, a boulder of pain, unwilling to let go and relentless in its intensity. It threatens to crush your soul, your very vitality, every little thing you think you've kept intact.
It's just so fucking sad.
Still...I have hope. I really do think - more often than not - that I'll make it through this bloody awful journey.
I have to, you know?
I have to make it.
Look, go hug your dearest and nearest. Cherish today. There might not be a tomorrow.
I go through the day. I see people, I converse, I interact, I wince, I smile, I laugh, and still.... I cry. There's just this unshakable sadness that remains with you, even during the laughter.
It's laughter tinged with sadness, with bitterness, with anger. Please, someone, explain to me why Charles Manson is still alive, and Rob isn't alive anymore. Yes, yes, I realise there's no real answer to that question. It doesn't stop the question from being asked though.
I feel like Sharon Stone in "Alpha Dog".
(I'm very guilty of paraphrasing here)
"This is God's plan? Then God better get his ass down here and explain it to me....".
You know what? I felt for that character.
I utterly, painfully, horrifically, tragically understood what she meant. I go through every single emotion, every single day.
But still, it's just the sadness that really gets to you. It sits on your chest, a boulder of pain, unwilling to let go and relentless in its intensity. It threatens to crush your soul, your very vitality, every little thing you think you've kept intact.
It's just so fucking sad.
Still...I have hope. I really do think - more often than not - that I'll make it through this bloody awful journey.
I have to, you know?
I have to make it.
Look, go hug your dearest and nearest. Cherish today. There might not be a tomorrow.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Spaghetti Ramblings
(Posting between making spaghetti. If I get tomato sauce on the keyboard, forgive me)
You know, there's just no pleasing me as far as the weather goes.
Here's the official Tess Guide To Fargo Weather. Please take this with as big a pinch of salt as I just chucked into the pan of water.
There are, in general, two seasons of weather in North Dakota. F'cking hot, and F'cking cold.
November, December, January, February, March: ice, more snow, more snow than that even, lots of slipping on one's bum on the occasional day where it gets above zero and the snow melts into..ice! Granted, I almost managed to get through the entire season without doing that more than three times, which is quite the accomplishment. And it can get as cold as -35. That's Thirty Five Below Zero. Sometimes without the wind-chill. That's gotta be illegal, surely?!
April: One really nice week of weather! Lovely. Around 58 degrees. Easy, breezy lovely weather. The other three weeks blow.
May: Sometimes snow, sometimes in the 80s. It's our "schizophrenic" month, and May just can't seem to decide whether it wants to be in the FH or FC category. Also it can, and will, snow in May here....sometimes within days of a scorching 80-degree day of hellfire. I think that is on purpose, though I have no proof.
June, July, Aug, Sept: temps between 75-100, humidity higher than..well, the proverbial high thingy. Mosquitoes, flat hair, flooding, tornadoes, thunder storms, lightning strikes, the occasional blessed night of "less than 80 degrees oh thank you lawdy".
October: Again, one nice week of weather. A lovely 63 or so degrees. The other three weeks do, of course, suck. Think of October as May's slightly crankier younger brother. Same mental affliction applies, apparently.
Then you're back to winter!
You know, Wombat, for the longest time I haven't been able to fully comprehend how you can have nipplewithering cold (don't you think that sounds like it should be a small village iin England? No? Must be just me) weather and balldroppingly hot weather (which is obviously one village over from the previous) in the same state. It's not right. Pick one already! You shouldn't be able to get frostbite and heat deaths in the same state.
Grumble grumble grumble.
Ok, I'm done whining.
Spaghetti, anyone?
Edit: I think there might've been a critter in the package of spaghetti. I'm going to go with the "if I can't see it, I can't taste it" school of denial, thank you very much.
You know, there's just no pleasing me as far as the weather goes.
Here's the official Tess Guide To Fargo Weather. Please take this with as big a pinch of salt as I just chucked into the pan of water.
There are, in general, two seasons of weather in North Dakota. F'cking hot, and F'cking cold.
November, December, January, February, March: ice, more snow, more snow than that even, lots of slipping on one's bum on the occasional day where it gets above zero and the snow melts into..ice! Granted, I almost managed to get through the entire season without doing that more than three times, which is quite the accomplishment. And it can get as cold as -35. That's Thirty Five Below Zero. Sometimes without the wind-chill. That's gotta be illegal, surely?!
April: One really nice week of weather! Lovely. Around 58 degrees. Easy, breezy lovely weather. The other three weeks blow.
May: Sometimes snow, sometimes in the 80s. It's our "schizophrenic" month, and May just can't seem to decide whether it wants to be in the FH or FC category. Also it can, and will, snow in May here....sometimes within days of a scorching 80-degree day of hellfire. I think that is on purpose, though I have no proof.
June, July, Aug, Sept: temps between 75-100, humidity higher than..well, the proverbial high thingy. Mosquitoes, flat hair, flooding, tornadoes, thunder storms, lightning strikes, the occasional blessed night of "less than 80 degrees oh thank you lawdy".
October: Again, one nice week of weather. A lovely 63 or so degrees. The other three weeks do, of course, suck. Think of October as May's slightly crankier younger brother. Same mental affliction applies, apparently.
Then you're back to winter!
You know, Wombat, for the longest time I haven't been able to fully comprehend how you can have nipplewithering cold (don't you think that sounds like it should be a small village iin England? No? Must be just me) weather and balldroppingly hot weather (which is obviously one village over from the previous) in the same state. It's not right. Pick one already! You shouldn't be able to get frostbite and heat deaths in the same state.
Grumble grumble grumble.
Ok, I'm done whining.
Spaghetti, anyone?
Edit: I think there might've been a critter in the package of spaghetti. I'm going to go with the "if I can't see it, I can't taste it" school of denial, thank you very much.
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Tornadoshmado
Hey, this is a relatively non-angsty entry. Go figure!
I'm coming out of hiding after about eleventy thousand days of tornado warnings. When it wasn't a tornado warning, it was a severe storm warning. When it wasn't a storm warning, it was a "hide from the friggin horrid heat" warning. And when it wasn't that, it was a "it's cold enough to freeze your nipples" warning. In the words of the fabulous Lewis Black, "my balls can't take it!!!"
At least, that'd be true if I had balls. But I don't.
Anyway.
Today, I'm really, really thankful. You know why? Bear with me, because this is going to be as rambling as ramblingation can ever be. And that's not only NOT a word, it's terrifyingly bad grammar to boot.
I'm thankful for:
Lori. My WonderTwin. You KNOW. Yes, you just KNOW. My god girl, I love you.
Moe. My partner in crime, and Scrabulaciousness. And I miss you.
Samantha: You know why. I need more Eliza pics, btw, girly!
Leeler: Oh, like I have to even say it :p
GregnWendy: Despite the odds, despite the history, you both came through for me.
Wor Geord & Tam: The painful irony is, you've both been there more than 90% of my immediate family. I love that. Your girlies are virtually unbearably gorgeous, too. Heh.
Wor Dave: We share both our "first crush" and other secrets. I'll never, ever forget that, hon :)
I'm thankful for having the opportunity to love you, Rob.
You were such an incredible man. So intelligent. So witty. So...well, so YOU.
I'm thankful that I got to share your life, even as it ended so tragically.
I'm just thankful, you know?
I'm coming out of hiding after about eleventy thousand days of tornado warnings. When it wasn't a tornado warning, it was a severe storm warning. When it wasn't a storm warning, it was a "hide from the friggin horrid heat" warning. And when it wasn't that, it was a "it's cold enough to freeze your nipples" warning. In the words of the fabulous Lewis Black, "my balls can't take it!!!"
At least, that'd be true if I had balls. But I don't.
Anyway.
Today, I'm really, really thankful. You know why? Bear with me, because this is going to be as rambling as ramblingation can ever be. And that's not only NOT a word, it's terrifyingly bad grammar to boot.
I'm thankful for:
Lori. My WonderTwin. You KNOW. Yes, you just KNOW. My god girl, I love you.
Moe. My partner in crime, and Scrabulaciousness. And I miss you.
Samantha: You know why. I need more Eliza pics, btw, girly!
Leeler: Oh, like I have to even say it :p
GregnWendy: Despite the odds, despite the history, you both came through for me.
Wor Geord & Tam: The painful irony is, you've both been there more than 90% of my immediate family. I love that. Your girlies are virtually unbearably gorgeous, too. Heh.
Wor Dave: We share both our "first crush" and other secrets. I'll never, ever forget that, hon :)
I'm thankful for having the opportunity to love you, Rob.
You were such an incredible man. So intelligent. So witty. So...well, so YOU.
I'm thankful that I got to share your life, even as it ended so tragically.
I'm just thankful, you know?
Monday, June 9, 2008
Jeezus, will I ever post a non-angsty entry?! Apparantly not today....
I think my hormones are going berserk or something.
For the past week or so (maybe longer, I don't really know), I've been haunted by memories of the night Rob died.
I keep seeing him there in bed, already gone.
I see him on the bedroom floor, paramedics trying to work on him.
I keep seeing him on that cold, cold table at the funeral home.
I read a passage in a book, and go to talk to him about it...and he can't answer.
I watch TV, and there are a million shows we'd watch together, make fun of, laugh about.
(Vincent D'Onofrio was a popular choice to ridicule; or rather, his character on L&O. Come ON people - who is he, God?!)
I try to relax in the tub, but I can't. That's what we used to do together.
I make garlic toast for the spaghetti, and I make too much because I forget there's only one of us now.
For some reason, everything today is making me cry.
I hate not being "we" anymore.
For the past week or so (maybe longer, I don't really know), I've been haunted by memories of the night Rob died.
I keep seeing him there in bed, already gone.
I see him on the bedroom floor, paramedics trying to work on him.
I keep seeing him on that cold, cold table at the funeral home.
I read a passage in a book, and go to talk to him about it...and he can't answer.
I watch TV, and there are a million shows we'd watch together, make fun of, laugh about.
(Vincent D'Onofrio was a popular choice to ridicule; or rather, his character on L&O. Come ON people - who is he, God?!)
I try to relax in the tub, but I can't. That's what we used to do together.
I make garlic toast for the spaghetti, and I make too much because I forget there's only one of us now.
For some reason, everything today is making me cry.
I hate not being "we" anymore.
Monday, June 2, 2008
2008 - it sucks balls.
You know one of the things I really, really hate about this?
You never once got to see 2008. At all.
I post on my support group board, and all of my posts are dated "08".
I email friends, and every one of them is dated "08".
I post on LJ, on Facebook - and every one of those posts is dated "08".
And you, my love, never got to see even one day of 2008.
That just fuckin kills me.
You never once got to see 2008. At all.
I post on my support group board, and all of my posts are dated "08".
I email friends, and every one of them is dated "08".
I post on LJ, on Facebook - and every one of those posts is dated "08".
And you, my love, never got to see even one day of 2008.
That just fuckin kills me.
Thursday, May 29, 2008
5 months out.
I have to admit, the 5-month mark was infinitely more painful and miserable than the one month mark.
Why is that, I wonder?
This week I've spent hours in bed - not really sleeping, as such, just laying there, missing you and wondering why this had to happen.
I - stupidly - reread one of my medical textbooks. Yup, the section on congestive heart failure. I couldn't help thinking "Oh sweetheart, you never stood a chance".
Retrospect being what it is, I do know that doing so made it worse.
Then again, perhaps that's the masochist in me.
(Bad Joke Alert)
Masochist: Hit me, hurt me!
Sadist: No......
Anyway.
We're now almost into June, and there are still times that I just cannot - will not? - comprehend that you're not here. You'd think I'd be used to the emptiness, the pain, the sheer agony of waking up without you. No, no I'm not used to it. I'm not sure I ever will be used to it.
Again, I've had a friend say to me, "Oh, hon...I know how you feel. My divorce was just awful".
No, hon, you really don't know how this feels. Divorce is a LOT different. I've done that, too.
Grief isn't loss OF love.
Grief is loss IN love.
Admittedly, I'd never want her to actually understand that difference. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy, either.
I'm going to have home-made curried shrimp, and a large rum and coke.
Know why?
Because I can.
(That's another thing. I have money. I hate that - the ONLY reason I have money is because you died. I fucking hate that)
I miss you, Wombat.
Sigh.
Why is that, I wonder?
This week I've spent hours in bed - not really sleeping, as such, just laying there, missing you and wondering why this had to happen.
I - stupidly - reread one of my medical textbooks. Yup, the section on congestive heart failure. I couldn't help thinking "Oh sweetheart, you never stood a chance".
Retrospect being what it is, I do know that doing so made it worse.
Then again, perhaps that's the masochist in me.
(Bad Joke Alert)
Masochist: Hit me, hurt me!
Sadist: No......
Anyway.
We're now almost into June, and there are still times that I just cannot - will not? - comprehend that you're not here. You'd think I'd be used to the emptiness, the pain, the sheer agony of waking up without you. No, no I'm not used to it. I'm not sure I ever will be used to it.
Again, I've had a friend say to me, "Oh, hon...I know how you feel. My divorce was just awful".
No, hon, you really don't know how this feels. Divorce is a LOT different. I've done that, too.
Grief isn't loss OF love.
Grief is loss IN love.
Admittedly, I'd never want her to actually understand that difference. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy, either.
I'm going to have home-made curried shrimp, and a large rum and coke.
Know why?
Because I can.
(That's another thing. I have money. I hate that - the ONLY reason I have money is because you died. I fucking hate that)
I miss you, Wombat.
Sigh.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
It's just pants. It really is utter pants
Fuck me.
I'm not a stupid gal, as a rule.
But fuck, I wish I knew why I can, in the space of 10 minutes (let alone 10 hours, or 10 days)...
Smile
Laugh hysterically at something genuinely funny
Sob so hard my teeth feel like they're going to fall out
Get so pissed that I want to scream, shout and pull out my hair
This sucks!
(Congrats Tess, for stating the obvious again).
I want to hide under the covers and never get out of bed.
I want to scream at your brother and sister and ask them why they thought it was "ok" to be so cruel.
I want to ask them, "Where were YOU?!"
I want to not hurt.
This hurts more now than it did initially....though, to be honest, I suspect this has more to do with losing Mam so soon after you, your Dad and my stepdad. That's why I feel like I've taken a million steps backwards.
I knew - know - that CHF carries a ridiculously poor prognosis; my background told me that before I even had the chance to do the usual "Most Likely To Google" thing and look it up online.
I just didn't think it would be so soon.
I wasn't ready!
I WASN'T FUCKING READY!
IT'S NOT FUCKING FAIR!
Fuck.
I'm not a stupid gal, as a rule.
But fuck, I wish I knew why I can, in the space of 10 minutes (let alone 10 hours, or 10 days)...
Smile
Laugh hysterically at something genuinely funny
Sob so hard my teeth feel like they're going to fall out
Get so pissed that I want to scream, shout and pull out my hair
This sucks!
(Congrats Tess, for stating the obvious again).
I want to hide under the covers and never get out of bed.
I want to scream at your brother and sister and ask them why they thought it was "ok" to be so cruel.
I want to ask them, "Where were YOU?!"
I want to not hurt.
This hurts more now than it did initially....though, to be honest, I suspect this has more to do with losing Mam so soon after you, your Dad and my stepdad. That's why I feel like I've taken a million steps backwards.
I knew - know - that CHF carries a ridiculously poor prognosis; my background told me that before I even had the chance to do the usual "Most Likely To Google" thing and look it up online.
I just didn't think it would be so soon.
I wasn't ready!
I WASN'T FUCKING READY!
IT'S NOT FUCKING FAIR!
Fuck.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
I actually kind of enjoyed today.
The weather was beautiful - I think we hit a lovely 75. (We had snow two weeks ago...but c'mon, this IS Fargo, after all).
I went down to the hospital, and was greeted with many hugs by Sue, Cynthia and Julie. They've more or less taken care of me there since you passed, babe.
Treated myself, in the gift shop, to a little silver necklace. There's a square pendant, with a little pearl dangling from it. The square bits says "Do The Impossible".
Given that I've lost you, my Mum, your Dad, and my stepdad in the space of these last 16 weeks...I thought that was kind of apt.
And I'm smiling.
I hate that you're not here with me. I hate that I have had to join the Young Widows BB. I hate that I'm here alone. I hate that I can never touch, smell, taste or feel you again.
But I'm glad that I got to love you. I'm glad that I got to know you.
I'm glad for you, Rob. I'm glad.
Love you, Wombat.
The weather was beautiful - I think we hit a lovely 75. (We had snow two weeks ago...but c'mon, this IS Fargo, after all).
I went down to the hospital, and was greeted with many hugs by Sue, Cynthia and Julie. They've more or less taken care of me there since you passed, babe.
Treated myself, in the gift shop, to a little silver necklace. There's a square pendant, with a little pearl dangling from it. The square bits says "Do The Impossible".
Given that I've lost you, my Mum, your Dad, and my stepdad in the space of these last 16 weeks...I thought that was kind of apt.
And I'm smiling.
I hate that you're not here with me. I hate that I have had to join the Young Widows BB. I hate that I'm here alone. I hate that I can never touch, smell, taste or feel you again.
But I'm glad that I got to love you. I'm glad that I got to know you.
I'm glad for you, Rob. I'm glad.
Love you, Wombat.
Monday, May 12, 2008
Urgh.
For whatever reason, I've spent most of the last 24 hours in tears. I actually cried myself to sleep last night.
I did see the doctor today though; in addition to the thyroid, cholesterol and migraine meds, she prescribed me Celexa, an antidepressant. I was reluctant at first. But, then I thought about it a bit more.
In 16 weeks, I lost my soulmate, my mother, my stepfather and Rob's father. How the flying fuck are you meant to deal with this?!
I mean holy shit. I know I'm not the first person in the world to suffer the loss of someone beloved...but hell, FOUR people in that time frame?!
Come ON!
I'm hurting. I'm just hurting so very badly.
I can't even begin to put into words how much this hurts.
Shit.
For whatever reason, I've spent most of the last 24 hours in tears. I actually cried myself to sleep last night.
I did see the doctor today though; in addition to the thyroid, cholesterol and migraine meds, she prescribed me Celexa, an antidepressant. I was reluctant at first. But, then I thought about it a bit more.
In 16 weeks, I lost my soulmate, my mother, my stepfather and Rob's father. How the flying fuck are you meant to deal with this?!
I mean holy shit. I know I'm not the first person in the world to suffer the loss of someone beloved...but hell, FOUR people in that time frame?!
Come ON!
I'm hurting. I'm just hurting so very badly.
I can't even begin to put into words how much this hurts.
Shit.
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
In the midst of dealing with Rob's death, and the death of my Mum, my stepfather and Rob's dad too...I seem to be caught in the middle of a family spat. A few members of Rob's family are fighting over what should, or should not, be theirs by rights.
It seems to be...bizarre, to have this reduced to a fight over possessions.
Look. I know that Rob's brother is grieving. He's suffered two deep losses in a very short period. And I know that Rob's stepmother is grieving the loss of Rob's father. By the same token - I just can't be in the middle of this fight over what Bob did, or didn't leave, to either person.
I just can't.
My Mum's funeral was today. Here obit is here
I couldn't make it, because of passport issues. Or rather, lack thereof. My passport expired in 06, and the earliest I can replace it is May 21.
I keep thinking, "It's not fair". But what IS fair?
It seems to be...bizarre, to have this reduced to a fight over possessions.
Look. I know that Rob's brother is grieving. He's suffered two deep losses in a very short period. And I know that Rob's stepmother is grieving the loss of Rob's father. By the same token - I just can't be in the middle of this fight over what Bob did, or didn't leave, to either person.
I just can't.
My Mum's funeral was today. Here obit is here
I couldn't make it, because of passport issues. Or rather, lack thereof. My passport expired in 06, and the earliest I can replace it is May 21.
I keep thinking, "It's not fair". But what IS fair?
Friday, May 2, 2008
May 2, 2008
I do feel as if I'm in the midst of a hurricane.
I need to refill my thyroid prescription, which I think is making my moods a little less than stable to begin with. But even taking that into consideration, I'm just bewildered.
Never in a million years do you think you're going to deal with so much in such a short period of time.
I think I was about coming to terms with, accepting, the fact that you're really not coming home any more. When I walk into the apartment, you're really never going to be there waiting for me, and you'll never snuggle up with me again.
Ok, no, perhaps I'm not there yet.
Carrie came over yesterday; she's so concerned about me. She literally told me "Tess...please....just please try and eat correctly, and sleep. Please don't try and do anything else. Don't work, don't go to any interviews this week, just please attend to yourself. This is almost too much, and I really need you to be very careful that you don't lose yourself".
That's why I don't think Mam's death has really hit me yet. Of course I've cried...but I think I'm still in shock. I'm devastated that I can't attend the funeral; my family also shielded me too, by all accounts. They knew Mam was sicker than I understood, and thought because I'd just lost you, hon, that it would be better for me not to have to worry about things there, too.
To be honest, I really can't put into words how I feel.
Lost. Alone. Devastated. Confused. Upset.
Sigh.
I need to refill my thyroid prescription, which I think is making my moods a little less than stable to begin with. But even taking that into consideration, I'm just bewildered.
Never in a million years do you think you're going to deal with so much in such a short period of time.
I think I was about coming to terms with, accepting, the fact that you're really not coming home any more. When I walk into the apartment, you're really never going to be there waiting for me, and you'll never snuggle up with me again.
Ok, no, perhaps I'm not there yet.
Carrie came over yesterday; she's so concerned about me. She literally told me "Tess...please....just please try and eat correctly, and sleep. Please don't try and do anything else. Don't work, don't go to any interviews this week, just please attend to yourself. This is almost too much, and I really need you to be very careful that you don't lose yourself".
That's why I don't think Mam's death has really hit me yet. Of course I've cried...but I think I'm still in shock. I'm devastated that I can't attend the funeral; my family also shielded me too, by all accounts. They knew Mam was sicker than I understood, and thought because I'd just lost you, hon, that it would be better for me not to have to worry about things there, too.
To be honest, I really can't put into words how I feel.
Lost. Alone. Devastated. Confused. Upset.
Sigh.
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Now you'll get to meet Mum, my Wombat
I want to scream.
I want to scream, at somebody, at anybody....
"WHY?!"
I realise that there are no answers to this question, but it doesn't stop me from wanting those illusive answers.
My Mam died today. At around 9pm local time (3pm my time), she passed away with three of her four children with her. Barb, Cheryl and Gary were there - and I'm so relieved that they were.
I'm still numb.
I thought....don't we always?....we had longer. I was trying so desperately to get my passport sorted out so I could at least visit her in the next month or so...and today, she had to leave us.
My god. I am literally at a loss.
Avril Hardiman Wheatley - 5 Sept 1945 - 29 April 2008.
I love you, Mam.
I want to scream, at somebody, at anybody....
"WHY?!"
I realise that there are no answers to this question, but it doesn't stop me from wanting those illusive answers.
My Mam died today. At around 9pm local time (3pm my time), she passed away with three of her four children with her. Barb, Cheryl and Gary were there - and I'm so relieved that they were.
I'm still numb.
I thought....don't we always?....we had longer. I was trying so desperately to get my passport sorted out so I could at least visit her in the next month or so...and today, she had to leave us.
My god. I am literally at a loss.
Avril Hardiman Wheatley - 5 Sept 1945 - 29 April 2008.
I love you, Mam.
Make that four :(
They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
If that's the case, I'll be approaching SuperHuman strength right around August.
My mum has been given "12 weeks at best" to live.
Look. I knew she had ovarian cancer (only diagnosed in January), and I knew she was stage III. But my god...SO soon?! The last I'd heard, she was undergoing chemo to see if the tumours would shrink enough to try surgery. And then...this.
I'm in a whirlwind, trying to organize emergency travel documents (my passport expired years ago) so I can get back to the UK in time.
If I was religious, I surely would be asking "why?!?!?!?"
Rob.
Stepdad.
Bob (Rob's dad)
Mum.
I'm still in shock I think.
If that's the case, I'll be approaching SuperHuman strength right around August.
My mum has been given "12 weeks at best" to live.
Look. I knew she had ovarian cancer (only diagnosed in January), and I knew she was stage III. But my god...SO soon?! The last I'd heard, she was undergoing chemo to see if the tumours would shrink enough to try surgery. And then...this.
I'm in a whirlwind, trying to organize emergency travel documents (my passport expired years ago) so I can get back to the UK in time.
If I was religious, I surely would be asking "why?!?!?!?"
Rob.
Stepdad.
Bob (Rob's dad)
Mum.
I'm still in shock I think.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
"Cute" doesn't even come close!
I love these photos. You'll note that the cup is very strategically placed - there is a second picture in the series, but I thought I'd better not post that one publicly, given that the cup moved somewhat!
************************************
The first time we watched that diet Pepsi commercial, we were hysterical.
Research shows that 56% of diet cola drinkers think that diet Pepsi...has more...cola taste......than diet Coke.. (research)...
It was the puppy!
And somehow, as things often did, the whole commercial became synonymous with "us".
Except we changed it.....and gradually, we decided that it was actually 56% of PUPPIES who thought that diet Pepsi had more cola taste etc.
(The other 46% just weren't asked. They were there for the free pie. You know. "Casting call! All Puppies! Say you like our drink and we'll give you free pie!").
Which of course lead to our theory that 56% of puppies think...(insert opinion here)....
Example:
Tess: 56% of puppies would be scared of Vincent D'Onofrio!
Rob: And the others weren't asked....
Tess: No, they just wanted their pie!
************************************
The first time we watched that diet Pepsi commercial, we were hysterical.
Research shows that 56% of diet cola drinkers think that diet Pepsi...has more...cola taste......than diet Coke.. (research)...
It was the puppy!
And somehow, as things often did, the whole commercial became synonymous with "us".
Except we changed it.....and gradually, we decided that it was actually 56% of PUPPIES who thought that diet Pepsi had more cola taste etc.
(The other 46% just weren't asked. They were there for the free pie. You know. "Casting call! All Puppies! Say you like our drink and we'll give you free pie!").
Which of course lead to our theory that 56% of puppies think...(insert opinion here)....
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